It took a while for everything to finish its crumble. While in the midst of observing, I started to find this quiet inside. This quiet that I had not experienced before. This quiet that was deafening. I had never understood that phrase until I experienced it. I would want to blast my music and daydream to get away from this blasting quiet. It made me afraid to be still because I didn’t want it. I didn’t want any part of it.
I was who I was and I was okay with it. I liked who I had become as an adult. I was doing good things with my life. I was capable. I was in many’s eyes exceptional. I had accomplished more than many would across multiple lifetimes. I was doing things that others didn’t dare to do because they were too afraid to dare. I was proud of myself until the crumble started.
Then, I didn’t know myself anymore. My identity as a provider, a giver, a contributor disappeared with my career. Even my physical life was stripped away. All that was left of me was the shell I had covered up with accomplishments. I had always felt complete in my accomplishments, my provision, my giving, my contributions. Without them, I didn’t know myself anymore. I didn’t know who I was without all these medals of honour I had collected. I had always known that I was good at accomplishing, providing, giving, and contributing. Beyond those things, I felt worthless. Losing those abilities rendered me worthless.
I started to wonder if my time here was supposed to be coming to an end. Maybe I had burned too bright and my fuel was running out and I was going to crash. Crash is a good descriptor of what it felt like. I felt like I had fallen off the pedestal that I had been reluctantly placed on – I was always comfortable being exceptional in private, the public part of it was difficult – and I cracked wide open to find that there was nothing there.
I truly felt like an empty facade. Relaxing back and watching how everything had unfolded was an experience I sometimes wished I could hand back. I wanted nothing more than to be done observing, experiencing, and hiding the pain of what I was going through. I wanted this nightmare to be over and for me to just wake up to my former life. It wasn’t to be so.