It took months from the diagnosis to feel like I could ever feel again. During the period up to that, I had shut down parts of me. I shut down the physical parts that hurt so much. I imagined that they weren’t there to try to help my brain shut up about the signals it was receiving. I had shut down my heart. How could anyone love me when I felt so empty and deformed? I couldn’t even find it in myself to love me.
Anyone who happened upon me and wanted to show me kindness I regarded with skepticism. I didn’t need to be rescued in my past, now or ever. I needed to rescue myself and that was difficult to explain. I was reaching for desperate treatments, hoping someone would be able to do something to help me without invading my body. I looked to everyone outside the realm of medicine. For a good 6 months, I felt like a researcher and a research experiment.
I felt like I was also a submissions department. Everyone who had found out what was happening with me had their own version of a cure that I just had to try. And I did for a while. Then I got tired of the submissions and put up a barrier to that help as well. I knew it was with good intention that it was conveyed, it was just time for me to have a break from chasing. The chasing was tiring. It was also harmful as it seemed to keep giving a false sense of hope that landed me flat on my face when it ran out.
I put up a wall to myself. If I didn’t admit how tortured I felt being in this body, maybe my body would stop torturing me. It was like my mind and my body were trapped in a room together and it was a fight to the death. The mind was losing to the body. So the mind tried to not give into the body after a time. Maybe if I stopped acknowledging my body through verbal confirmation of the situation to others, maybe the body would stop misbehaving and return to its normal self. When those who knew would ask, sometimes I would not even answer or just change the subject. It was hard to deal with the pity on their face. I tried not to pity others as it felt like I was shaming them. Seeing the pity in other’s faces, definitely made me feel shame for having this weakness.