I have moments when I swear life stands still. I become so lost in a moment. Everything becomes crystal. Everything stands still around me. I am clear minded. I am sensing everything around me. Everything in my body. Vibrations from other people and objects as they swirl obliviously around me.
These moments are the times when I feel like everything is going to be alright. That I am on the right path in my life because for that moment it all makes sense. It will seem like chaos rushing around me then for a moment I enter this centre of my universe and the chaos slows for a moment. Allowing me to absorb everything and forsake evyerthing in the same moment.
These moments of perfection, I find myself standing with my arms open surrendering to the moment. I have no worry what I look like. I have no worry what people think of me. I have no worry about anything happening in my life. In that moment, I am still inside and out. It seems like a vortex as when I exit that moment, I am filled with ideas and inspiration.
This evening, I had one of those moments. It lasted longer than it has in a long time. I could hear the river running past. The force of the water was mesmeric. It passed by without a worry and it seemed to take all my worry of late with it. There has been severe worry about my place, my path, my contribution, my near future. Everything piling up so fast of concern that my body actually feels heavy. When I walk, when I sleep, when I breathe. So much weight that it feels laborious to catch my wind. My brain has been fuzzy. Forgetful. Armed. Blocking people from getting in. Protecting me from forming attachment.
Tonight that all seemed so obvious. That I was taking myself down a dark path of emptiness all the while running on empty trying to get to this dark place that was barren. Tonight, I was able to step out of that thought pattern and sit beside it. Let it turn and be observed. I could see what I was becoming. What I was missing. What I was walking away from. I have never had much fear and fear of walking away was never on the list of the few that exist in me.
I could see all the sacrifice that I was patterning as I had in my past. I could see that I was not taking care of me. I was getting lost in the chaos and burning energy on being sacrificial rather than satisfied. It was going to be okay for me to say no and put myself first. It was going to be okay that I nourished myself. It was going to be okay that I would allow myself to be okay.
Sitting by the water, it started to rain. It felt so pure and cleansing. Like I was being washed of the stress I had been unconsciously holding. The rain hit and the tears started to flow. It had been a while since I had let myself cry and just sit in that release of energy. I wasn’t crying about the rain. I was crying about nothing specific. It just felt like a release was needed and this was the form that burst forth. Maybe I will sleep in peace tonight.