Chaser

I have been accused of being a chaser. This applies on many levels. I am a chaser of excitement. I am a chaser of happiness. I am a chaser of dreams. I am a chaser of success. I am a chaser of pleasure. I am a chaser of human relationship. There are days when I get tired of the chase though.

I have never been a sit on my laurels kind of girl. Lazy or boring are things of which I have never been accused by those who know me well. My chasing habits have had me labelled as ambitious, bold, dreamy, interesting, and inspirational. I am not a fan of labels even though I think label seeking is engrained in us to try to grasp at understanding people – if we can figure out what categories they fall into, we can feel we better understand them.

I had given up on chasing the dream of a partner beyond my career path especially after the adventure of the last couple years. I have to be honest, I have been content being married to my job, my accomplishments, and my dreams. It was going to take a special person to make room in my life for more than these things. I was content to have a large circle of people who fulfilled my relationship needs. They provided a source of fun. An emotional strut on which to rely when I couldn’t carry myself one hundred percent on my own. They fulfilled the validation that I needed that I was an okay person.

Lately, I have been intrigued by someone who came into my life unexpectedly. At a point where I was still not willing to let anyone in who could disrupt my path. I have been in this place many times in my life and I was back here again. I had offers on the table from those who have known me for a while, but no one was hitting that button that could open me up to anyone beyond myself. I was still trying to be good with who I was. With who I have become. With who I want to be. I never understood before why people say you need to love yourself before you can love another. There are days like today where I don’t feel either is possible. Then there are other days where I pendulum to the other side of this – hope illuminating my eyes.

I am not good at following the rules much. I don’t read the rules of assembling things. I don’t read the rules of how new toys are to be operated. I also don’t follow the rules of the chase when it comes to romantic relationships. I do what I am feeling and I know that the right person will love me for who I am. For my lack of rule following, I can be taken on epic emotional journeys that will leave my life enriched with memories of adventure, risk, and pleasure. Often at the end of the journey, I am back to chasing my dream without a partner by my side. Maybe this is my path – to enrich my own life and just have a circle of amazing people I count as amazing friends?

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