Darkness

The past couple of years rendered a tremendous journey.  Heartache, disappointment, loss, surrender, and pain . . . more pain than any human should endure over a lifetime. There were challenges that seemed insurmountable. Challenges that made me lie down in hopes of finding the courage to just let go. Challenges that had me sitting in a corner, shaking uncontrollably with sheer terror that I was not going to make it to the other side of this thing. Challenges that made me feel hateful toward myself for feeling weak against this thing that was crushing my nervous system, my soul, my life.

I remember feeling my life crumbling beneath me. I was afraid to touch anything, bring anything or anyone new into my life because I felt l would make it crumble too. I was afraid that everyone would see that I was a fraud – not someone to admire, but just a simple human like the rest that people mistook for someone amazing.

My life was at a point where everything seemed like it was going to be easy – I had given the pound of flesh, sold my life for this dream of creating something amazing. All that effort and hard work was reaching a turning point where it was going to yield dividends. I would be able to coast (for me) for the first time in my life. It was not something I had ever done, but I was looking forward to entering that phase where I could more easily build on the foundation I had so concretely built.

But the crumbling started. Once it started, it seemed like there was no stopping it. What I had wanted from the time I was little, was gone with so little hope of recovery. Something had happened that I was not be likely to ever be right by again. Something so devastating that there were days I couldn’t even describe who I was anymore. What I was about. What I contributed. What I wanted even.

There was . . . just . . . darkness. Darkness that walked down a path to an empty cave which echoed my insides. I had become this empty cave that couldn’t pull it together. I was always the one who pulled it together. I was the one who carried people emotionally, physically, and inspirationally. I needed people so badly then and I was so ashamed to reach out. Because then all this would be so real. So wicked. So my life. I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to be there. I just wanted to find my way out and I couldn’t see any light at the end of the cave. All I could get from that cave was the echoes of my own doubt, damage, and fear. The echoes came back louder than anything my voice could ever create.

There were days when those voices seemed to pin me to the ground. They kept me from handling the small defeats after the big one walloped me so hard. Those voices held me in a pattern of holding on to what I thought was supposed to be my life. What was all I ever wanted. What was all I ever needed. What I gave up every shred of normality to have. I gave up everything for that dream . . . and in an instant, its shiny halo vanished as I was dragged to the edge of my reality to watch the impact of that instant echo so loudly through my everything as it destroyed all on its path to my defeat.

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