Making the decision to lean into the discomfort of my changing situation changed me. I started to look at it as less of a war – me against my body – and more of a second chance at life. The life I had designed and living to that point was hard. It had hard boundaries. It had hard expectations. It had hard rules. It had hard consequences. I was in love with the challenge of the life I had designed, but there was little room for pleasure.
I was being given a second chance to design my life. A second chance to find pleasure in my life. Without being able to do everything I had before, I had no sense of worth. I was given a chance to find the meaning within myself rather than outside in the decorations I used to justify myself before. I was given a chance to find out who I was and who I could become. I had always been certain of a few things about myself. For one, I was strong. You could beat me, literally, and I would stand back up for more. You could torture me emotionally and I would get past it. You could abuse my trust and I would find a way to trust again.
I also knew that I was smart. I could absorb information at a rate that few could contend with. I could evaluate a situation in short time and be able to tell you the best way to navigate it – in business, life, and human interaction. I could control my body in ways that defied my body size. Smarts were something I had always been able to call upon.
I knew that I was honest. Someone that couldn’t get away with a lie or be able to stomach the idea of being deceptive. If someone asked me for my opinion on something, it was hard for me not to be blunt. Even if my opinion was one that did not put someone in a favourable light. Sometimes I wished I could sugar coat my opinions, but alas, I was not.
These three traits were on what I could start to build my life. They were my essence for as long as I could remember. I knew that there had to me more to me than this, but this was a starting point. I needed to build branches from these three seeds I was replanting. I needed to define meaning in a new way. I did not have the definition yet of who I was, but that would come.