Losing to Gain

Sometimes you lose something great to gain something greater. In the moment of loss, it seems that it will never be replaceable. That nothing will be right with the world again. It can be so painful that everything physically hurts and feels like we will never be whole again. Time always has a way of healing and showing the truth of the matter.

This was the situation for me just over a year ago. A beautiful dance partnership ended almost overnight. It was devastating and I was broken over it. Nearly simultaneously, a boyfriend spread a false rumour that effectively severed most ties I had built in the community. I was standing on the edge of my career alone.

The situations propelled me forward into the unknown. I was always good on my own – personally and professionally. However, these betrayals took be aback. It was a lesson in self-reliance. Only I can only control what I do, how I act, how I move forward. People silly enough to believe the absurdity of the rumour, well that was not on me. I could not let myself let this setback stop me. Looking back, I was being held back by these partnerships that I had been attached.

In going out on my own, I was forced to fully mature in my dancing, teaching, performing, and choreography. It was a move that was brave and terrifying. What if I was only half a dancer? What if stepping out solo exposed my weaknesses? What if I only was good with a partner? All this doubt crept into my mind and was intermittently paralyzing. I chose to persevere. I could no longer be half a dancer. I could not hang my hat on someone else’s talent or ambition. I needed to incubate myself and develop my skills and put my mark on this world.

In all this, there have been great people who stepped up to support me and there have been some who tried to plant doubt. Someone I had grown close to and trusted was especially devastating due to his own unhappiness with his dancing and life. He told me I was an ugly performer, that I was not good enough to do this, that I was going in the wrong direction and wasting my talent and time. We had severed ties about a month before the performance, however, the days before I stepped out on stage as a soloist at the most important event of my year, his unkind seeds sprouted. They grew around me and nearly stopped me from stepping on stage. I was fearful I would fail on stage, that he was right and the community would know it. It took a lot out of me to step onto that stage alone. It also took kind words of my ex, my colleagues, and students to smarten me up and to realize these were the words he believed about himself and was solely a reflection on him.

The important and respected people in my life stepped up to support me to put myself out there – alone. To be judged as a whole dancer. To be judged as I smeared my soul on the stage. I am thankful for those who propped me up and nudged me to do what they knew I could do. It has strengthened, energized, and motivated me to push even more. I am thankful for my loss for I have gained so much more.

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