Why is the idea of a new partnership so tantalizing? I can taste the excitement in my body whenever the opportunity comes up. It doesn’t matter whether it is in dance, business, or personal relationships. The excitement is still the same every time.
Maybe this means I am a people person more than I thought? I used to always think it was easier, smarter, and more enjoyable to be a soloist. That has been the thought since I was little. I found ties to others confusing, more often disappointing, and quite frankly a nuisance. I think I still had that excitement when those partnering opportunities appeared, but I was guarded against them because it seemed they were more likely to fail than succeed, so why get attached?
Maybe I am growing up and becoming more insightful? I still value my alone time. I think that is my personality. If I don’t get that time in my own head and physical space, then I start to feel crawly and overwhelmed. Like the world is trying to steal my essence. I need that time away from others to recharge. To reconfigure who I am and want to be without the influence of other’s ideas. Maybe this is selfish in some people’s eyes? For me it is survival and the healthiest way that I can deal with my situation.
I have been told before that I don’t let anyone support me. Honestly, feeling supported is a scary thing. There have been few times in my life where I needed support. When they did happen, the support quickly dwindled away and friendships and relationships were lost. It was not that I was overly needy during those times. I was still standing on my own two feet. The topics of those periods were rather heavy and scary. Apparently, they were scarier for those witnessing on the outside than my experience on the inside.
That dwindling of support reinforced my childhood instinct to be independent because I did not feel I could rely on people. In those periods of need though, I was so sure that these were people I could count on. They were people who had counted on me to support them when things went awry in their life. The reciprocal support was unfortunately not meant to be. Nor was a long term relationship with those people after the suffering period had passed.
Because of all that, I have approached my relationships since with a different attitude. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold for myself or others. This is the fun of life. I could be dead tomorrow and so could they. So in today, I am going to enjoy those who are part of my life. I am going to make the most of the connection I have. Tomorrow they could be gone metaphorically or literally, so I am not going to lay my happiness in their hands. I will just find happiness in what I glean from knowing them.