Reverence Addict

Finding beauty in the world is becoming more challenging all the time. We are so fixated on technology, instant gratification, and ourselves. We often look at situations from a “what’s in it for me” perspective. This is especially true in larger, results based cities that attract people who are trying to get ahead. They come from all over the world chasing a dream. A dream for statutory success. A dream for financial success. A dream for recognition and fame. All these things are good to aspire toward, however, they are often seeking external rather than internal validation.

I believe that seeking external validation comes from insecurity. I admit I do it all the time. Often, I am looking for someone to justify my happiness. I achieved this, and I feel happy. Should I feel happy is the question I am looking for an answer to from my external source. Why I do this comes from my insecurity. I feel guilty for what I have achieved. I blame my achievements on luck and downplay when people tell me I create my own luck. Is this humility that makes me this way? Maybe. There is that dichotomy in me though that I want the external validation to justify my happiness, then I downplay my own contribution to it.

My acupuncturist always reminds me that I have to have reverence for myself. I am good at seeing the awesomeness in others, but I downplay it in myself. She tells me that the awesomeness I see in others is only because I see it in myself. Just as when someone is doing something that irks me, it is because that irksome behaviour is something I see in myself already. It is interesting how that works.

In our get ahead world, can we be happy enough in enjoying our internal success? Are we going to always be seeking someone to validate how we feel because that is the society we live in? If we are happy in ourselves, will that make others see us as conceited? It is a conundrum for me as I want to be confident in my abilities, but the way I was raised makes me seek this external validation. Sometimes it is guilt that makes me seek it. Sometimes it is trying to find humility as well.

My lack of confidence is something I struggle with daily. It makes me feel ugly. It makes me feel silly. It makes me feel childish. I try every day to feel that reverence and not feel guilty about it. I can jump between pride and insecurity over the same accomplishment in a short period. It is like riding an emotional roller coaster. It is a struggle to find that balance. Should I just not care what others think and how I affect people? I suppose I could. I am not sure that I am built that way. I am working on building my internal validation system so that I can be set free from the external validation addiction. Are you able to feel reverence for your own ability?

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