I am bumping along nicely in my life. Everything seems to be falling into place, just as I have always dreamed it would. I am feeling secure in the certainty that life is starting to truly even out. I am sure that all the plotting, planning, and wars I have been through until now have laid the ground work for me to end up in this zen-like paradise of calm. Yup, I am the master of my universe and the controller of all. That is until I am not.
I have often fallen into this egotistical sense of security that all is right with my world. My career is lining up the way I dreamed. I have freedom to choose my schedule. I have the strength to say no to things that do not serve me. The seeds I have planted are ready for harvesting. Yes, all can seem so right with my world. And then, it all gets turned on its ear.
Aspects that seemed calm, normal, and reliable blow up into these monsters that steal my sleep. Devils that sap my energy. Ghosts that blow through me and nab my soul. Suddenly I am aware that all that seemed right suddenly seems wrong. How does it happen that I swing from one pole of greatness to another of devastation within such a short period of time? It’s beyond me and I admit it is exhausting. Sometimes it makes me feel like I was duped into believing the best in something and once I am committed, the mask of what I believed in is removed and the reality of what I committed to becomes clearly different than what I thought.
I am not sure if I am built tough so that I can endure struggle? Maybe this is my place in life? Maybe I am meant to be an ambassador of strength? To shows those who are struggling that things could be so much worse if they were in my boat? That sounds quite depressing, but I am trying to figure out why I attract struggle.
I definitely attract dichotomies. I am either truly loved or truly hated by those in my life. I seem to have this power which I have not honed that allows me to switch those from love to hate and back so quickly that I often don’t know what happened or why. It is a taken I do not wish on others. It can turn bosses against me quickly and it usually lies in my truth telling nature. I am not skilled at spinning situations. I call it as I see it and this can cause that love to hate shift, I too frequently enjoy.
So what do I make of all this? I am uncertain. I do enjoy when I fall into that sense of security, false though it may be, where I get to just enjoy life and feel carefree. Though time after time that seems to become broken, I still enjoy wearing my rose coloured glasses of naivety. Maybe that is just naive? Maybe I try to see the brighter side of life and this skews my perception? Maybe I am just cutely gullible? I actually doubt that one as I see through people so easily. Perhaps this is my coping mechanism to give myself reprieve after difficult times. It does make for good material to work out in new work or just random play on the dance floor.